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Did I Shave My Balls for This?

Did I Shave My Balls for This?

Did I Shave My Balls for This?
October 01
11:34 2015

by Jonathan Shuffield Co-host of the Pacific Northwest LGBT Radio Talk Show, OUTSpoken

So it turns out I’m a bear, I know I was surprised to discover this as well.  I mean the truth is I have never been good at the details.  I sort of stumbled into the sunlight of Gaydom some twenty years ago and have been fumbling around like a virgin on prom night ever since.  It wasn’t so shocking after ending a long term relationship to feel like the whole dating scene had changed.  I grew up the kid of a Southern Baptist minister after all, that’s just this side of arranged marriages.

Something had changed since I had been in my committed relationship.  I had learned to like my body, I was comfortable with sex, and there was this group of growly men who embraced me.  These were not the issue, the issue was that I had absolutely no idea how to go about this dating thing.  Lucky for me I had friends who were more than happy to give me advice and laugh at me along the way.

Lesson one, underwear.  I wore them, I thought this made me a master of this concept, but I was informed very quickly that this could be a very necessary tool in my new dating world.  Apparently you just can’t go to your local Walmart and pick up a six pack of Hanes either.  I was introduced to websites and catalogs and brands, oh my! The choices were dizzying and honestly even a bit confusing.  I’m sorry, but some of these need a manual to put them on.  Did you know that there are even underwear made for Bears?

A week of studying and $100 later I had two pair of underwear.  Two pair.  To think, for just the price of a weekly trip to the grocery store I was able to purchase enough fabric to barely cover my ass……..twice.  I embraced it and have even learned to love fancy, over-priced underwear (Okay maybe I haven’t fully embraced it), they do make me feel sexy and on the prowl.

Lesson two? Grooming.  I’ve heard it a million times, manscaping, it’s a thing.  I’m a bear, and not the cute little cub with just enough fur to take them out of Twinkville, I’m a full on Grizzly Adams co-starring, bear skin rug supplying bear.  You may not know it from the top of my head, but life in all its humor made up for that everywhere else on my body.  Manscaping is a full time job requiring crews of people, but who said dating would be easy so I do it!  It would have been nice if someone would have walked the naïve new Grizzly through some needed tips, but I was handed a razor, turned towards the  glass, wished all the luck without even a pat on the, well you get the picture.

There are some delicate areas you must traverse when doing the appropriate trimming of your landscape.  If someone doesn’t know any better they may be working along, excited to be single again, thinking about who might be out there when….wait…..that didn’t feel right…….is that blood………and there’s the floor.  Nothing is quite as humbling as quickly trying to get your pants up as you get off the floor before your “oh-so-helpful” friends barge in to rescue you.  I did pick myself up, cleaned up the boys, slipped into those new underwear and hit the town.

Lesson three, selection.  I was very excited to get back into the dating game.  I was even more excited when there was actual interest ……. In me!  Like any situation where over enthusiasm reigns, you have to be very careful not to waste your energy on the nearest opportunity. I can’t claim to have followed this advice very well.  The dating scene was about to show me just how much it had changed.

Let me just sum it up in two examples.  I was so excited that first time I was asked out after my break up.  I didn’t even hesitate with the yes vote.  He seemed so nice, civilized even.  We went to one of the local gay bars for a beer and the conversation flowed so easily, then the moment came.  He whispered in my ear, “Can I kiss you?”  You can imagine my excitement as I closed my eyes, I felt his breath so close to my face, my heart was racing and then…….. he licked me. Let me make sure you got that, he…… licked……. me.  He kept licking me, up and down my face, as if he was a blind man trying to find my mouth.  I would push him off and get him calmed down for a moment and then he would be on me licking my face again.  I’m not sure what Pomeranian told him this was hot, but they lied.  I couldn’t figure it out, was this kissing now, had I been gone that long?  That date ended early to say the least.

Never one to be a pessimist, I got right back out there. I mean that had to be a fluke right?  So I said yes to another date, he was a gentleman, smart, a professor.  This one was bound to go better.  The date was amazing and we ended up back at my place, the chemistry was right, there was a heat in the air, he kissed with such intensity.  What could it hurt to go a bit further?   We ended up in our underwear (yes my new fancy underwear) making out, everything was so amazing and then it happened.  He froze, his mouth was no longer near my mouth, it seemed to have drifted off to the air around me.  His chest was still on mine but now seemed somewhat askew and his body was stiff as a board, but he wasn’t saying a word.  Was he dead? Great that’s all I needed.  I could feel him breathing so at least I wasn’t going to have to explain that to the neighbors.  All was silent for what seemed like forever.  He was literally planking on top of me.  Finally I spoke up and asked, “Am I supposed to do something?” In that moment he leapt up as if nothing out of the ordinary had just happened and asked if I wanted to grab dinner. .

I’m sorry, had men gone crazy while I was away?  Was this sex now? Had kissing changed?  Was that good for him?  The questions had me reeling.  When had dating become so much work?  What I have come to realize is that maybe dating hasn’t really changed as much as we have become more open with what we enjoy.  Maybe it means I have to date more to find someone who matches my desires, but I guess it’s a small price to pay for being honest.  Isn’t the only true chance at happiness being able to say what you really want? I mean it is the only real shot you ever have at finding it.  So I’ll continue to put in the effort, be surprised when a guy asks me out and keep trying.  Some dates will be wonderful and some dates I will shake my head and ask myself, “Did I shave my balls for this?”  

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